“You choose whether or not you open your heart to love. And you know what I think? I think you do love. Or you could love. But you’re just too stubborn and scared to admit it because the last time you really gave your heart to someone, it got broken. And I get that. I’ve been there. But somewhere along the line, you gave up on the idea that you deserve to feel this way again.”
Exactly what I told to myself. My conversation with myself, with my alter ego.
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Aku dah lama tak rasa nak baling handphone/ mengamuk kalau tengok last seen whatsapp tu. But, these past few days, I get that feeling. Annoying nak mampus. Lets be honest here. I come to quite like someone, at the wrong time. So, once I let everything out here, I will advise me to stop me from going overboard. Cool? Sebenarnya aku memang suka menulis sorg sorg dekat blog ni macam aa blog ni boleh bagi aku nasihat, rather than people. Tapi, tahla. Rasa macam lega kalau luah kalau bebel kalau tulis. Sebab kita macam cakap kat diri sendiri. Sendiri mau ingat la der, kan.
Sebenarnya, aku pun tak faham dengan diri sendiri. And sendiri tak faham lepastu expect org lain untuk faham kan? Bodoh sangat. Aku TAK PERNAH terfikir yang aku akan macam ada rasa untuk suka orang/ or ada rasa nak bukak hati pun lepas the last break up. Really. Sebab aku taknak dah rasa bergantung harap kat orang, lepastu dissapointed. Aku taknak rasa dissapointed tu. I know, once I commit, I really commit. And nanti comfirm kene rasa jeles, kene rasa terfikir fikir org tu buat apa. I dont know, benda tu aku takut la. And paling takut nak jaga hati orang, sebab hati sendiri pun tak mampu nak jaga lagi. Haih, my point is I really have accepted I may not feel that way again/ ever want to feel that way again. I bet it was the safest move I've ever made. (And I was happy, though)
Tapi, biasalah kita ni manusia je. Sampai bila je la kan kita boleh nak hebah cakap sangat yang "ala, aku taknak ada rasa semua semua tu. Boleh je la tak rasa suka ke apa semua tu," Pergh, ego gila tak beragak. Lupa agaknya Allah tu ada, bila bila masa je dia boleh hidupkan rasa yang kau konon taknak tu. Hey, kuasa Allah kan? So, jangan ego sangat. Kita takkan tahu pun future/ outcome kita macam mana. Macam sekarang.
One day, kau tiba tiba ada satu rasa yang "Eh, aku rasa aku dah ready nak bukak hati aku untuk dia". Logik ke bangun bangun tidur tiba tiba nak rasa macamtu padahal sebelum ni punya la cakap taknak becinta la apa la. Tapi, it happens to me. And rasa yang nak bukak hati untuk dia tu memang secara tiba tiba.Gila. Aku pun tak reti nak explain macam mana. Aku ak tahu langsung nak cerita kat siapa masa tu, sebab tetap jugak nak pertahankan ego tu. Gila.
Cuma, Tuhan dah bagi aku rasa tu semula. Tapi, alongside with the dissapoitment yang dulu aku punya main reason la aku taknak bercinta taknak kahwin taknak apa apa aa. Know the feeling? I bet you do. Tapi aku rasa its a lesson to me untuk jangan terlampau ego dan bangga sangat yang awak tu taknak bercinta taknak ada apa apa perasaan. And jangan tolak semua orang macam semua orang akan buat awak macam dulu. Ahh.. aku tak anggap pun la macam revenge, cuma mungkin peringatan untuk aku yang bukan semua lelaki jerks. There's a decent guy out there, and it is not wrong to give em chance.
So.. itula. Dulu nak sgt org ajak kahwin, bercinta selepas kahwin kononnya (sebenarnya memang dulu pernah doa nak org ajak kahwin, bercinta lepas kahwin macam dena) tapi lepastu cakap tak ready la apa la. takanak ad perasaan la semua aa. All those living in denial things.Padahal, kau tahu know he's a good guy. And EVERYONE around you, seems to like him. (Aku bukan tak suka, cuma aku tak ready and aku malas nak rasa semua yang aku cakap atas atas td) Bercinta atau ada komitment ni gila stress woi kalau tak ready! mAsa ready pn dah stress, apatah lagi time tak ready. And.. aku rasa macam being ego is the safest move for me. Takpayah fikir org tak payah fikir apa apa.
Things are going okay la for me. I was happy. Aku rasa macam 'oh okay takpe, aku boleh hidup takyah cinta ng sape sape". Tup tap je datang rasa suka rasa nak rasa semua tu. I was like...... haih. Masih tak tahu la nak describe sampai sekarang. And only to know it was too late, geesh. Gila tak best rasa tu. Kan dah rasa dissapointed rasa sibuk nak tahu semua rasa whatsapp tu pun boleh jadi isu besar. Gila menyampah.
Tapi, honestly, if I were to rewind back the stories, I will still make my safest mood tu, by being ego. By pushing everyone who said they like me. I definitely will still do that. I have learnt a lot, I experienced a lot during my ;ego' time. Macam macam orang dalam dunia rupanya. But, yeah it made me see people from very different perspective. Baru macam kau nampak ada orang betul jujur ada orang betul tak jujur. Dan during that time was my time to mend my own heart. Mana lah mampu nak jaga hati orang lain.
Tipulah takde rasa menyesal ke apa, tapi I dont think I want to be in a relationship where I know I am not ready. Because I think that we should fall in love when we are ready, not when we are lonely. And aku da cakap memang aku tak rasa aku akan pernah ready until, these past few days. Dan knowing me, aku akan cakap bila aku dah ready and dah dapat certainty tu, aku move on la. Aku tak suka benda yang uncertainty ni. The situation better be like, either you want me, or you dont. Aku taknak situation macam zaman ex aku dulu yang ' weh kau ni nak aku ke tak ni sebenarnya, aku kene figure out sendiri ke camne?" Oh cukuplah dulu aku beria buat orang sayang aku sebab tak tahu dia ikhlas sayang ke tak. I really dont want to go through that again. Dan sorry la kalau aku lambat sangat nak tangkap kalau org tu ikhlas ke tak sebab aku dah tak tahu mana ikhlas mana tak.
Dan yes, aku tahu a bit selfish on my side. Time org nak dulu kemain taknak. Lepastu ikut suka suka hati je nak suka org bila nak. (Hello, i dont force my feelings okay). Haha. Aku tahu aku complicated. Tapi, whatever. You dont know what I have gone through that made me complicated like this.
And since its started to get blurry and uncertainty I decided to let go of the feelings. Kita cuba habiskan dekat sini. Aku taknak la rasa beria lagi, rasa nak campak phone lagi padahal bukan ada apa apa pun. (I tend to over react, I know) Jadanhya rasa macam nak menangis apa semua. At first, I think it was meant to be. Maybe I felt this way because tah tah Allah dah bukak hati aku untuk jodoh aku. (yela, dah kalau tiba tiba nak rasa semua tu, blergh) But since it was wrong timing and, you didnt seem to say anything ( not that you are forced to, dont worry) I get the hint. Mungkin sahaja awak bukan jodoh saya, and vice versa.
Tuhan hadirkan mereka yang takpernah engkau jangka, hanya untuk menghidupkan kehidupan yang bukan kau pinta tapi yang kau perlu hadap.
Although aku tahu things are quite fucked up right now (on my side), I am ready to let go. I do it once, kali ni apa lah sangat. Sebabtu kene let go before I let myself get too attached with the feelings. Semoga sahaja Tuhan hadirkan kembali rasa ini untuk orang yang tepat. Dan semoga sahaja awak, bahagia dengan jodoh awak yang tepat. You deserve someone yang lebih baik dari saya. (ultimately)
Terima kasih, sebab buktikan yang masih ada decent guys dalam dunia ni, bukan semata jerks. Hihi. Semoga sahaja sentiasa dipeluk cinta malaikat, walau jauh kat negara orang nanti. Ego saya ni dah datang balik, so I wont probably be texting you, but know that I wish you well and I wish you all the happiness in the world! :) ( And I dont even know if org yg dimaksudkan ni baca ke tak kahkah but lantak la, kalau aku bebel sorang pun)
Ok dah. Terima kasih, utk satu chapter quite meaningful, dalam hidup saya. (drama betul perempuan ni) Hihi.
Fin.
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Dan semoga sahajaTuhan dengar permintaan yang satu ini;
Kalau salah, betulkan aku.
Kalau betul, kuatkan aku.
Heh, dan ya. Pesanan untuk diri sendiri, janji untuk jadi ego yang bertempat. Dan sentiasa beringat yang perasaan awak tu bila bila je Allah boleh bagi bila bila je Allah boleh tarik. Like I always said, HE always know best. And ingat, kita ni memang dah ada jodoh dari lahir dah kan. Keep the faith la! Tapi jangan sampai berlagak sangat macam before ni. Okay, nana? :)
Fuh. That was long. But lets end it here. We're cool, kan blog?
xoxo.
Fuh. That was long. But lets end it here. We're cool, kan blog?
xoxo.
---Start again. Muka surat baru.
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